Cape Cod Coma

Helloo sorry no posts or comments yesterday, I decided to escape to our Cape Cod house for the rest of the week for some relaxation after finishing work. I am soo very relaxed down here I feel like i'm in a coma lol! ok sooo i am coming back to reality tomorrow so i will resume posting and commenting then. xoxo

It's beeeeen a longgg time, shouldn't have left you...

....without a strong beat to step too stepp to. haaa anyway it has been SO long since my last post and A LOT has happened since then so i will give a dense and brief summary because i know you all have been LONGING for a post from me. JAYY KAY. ohh kayy here goes. I am going back to USC and I move into my loverlyyy apartment on Aug. 7th. I am beyond enthused and although I hit some bumps along the way I am doing a lot better on the eating front. I have been working A LOT waitressing pretty much 6 days a week making thattt green stuff babaayy, AND today is my last day of work because I will be packing up my life into boxes and moving down south on the 5th for a road trip with my momma. I am beyond excited and blessed that my mom and dad are so supportive and are giving me an opportunity to go to a school I love and live on my own. OHH and thats another thing I am actually living alone in my apartment which a little ifffy it was a big decision because I couldve lived with some girlfriends in an apartment but I feel like I go out so much at school I wanted some place to go back to that was all mine for some calming peace and quiet. So basically in the time i've been gone I finished my semester at a local school and made it on the deans list chickaa chickaaa yeeeeeeahh fake i.d.!! haha ( i love that movie) and was working an insane full time job but i got through it and am happy i did because i now have a sense of accomplishment and independance that I didn't have before. I will hopefully be blaaahging full time now that things in my life have settled into place but I have certainly beeeeen a lurker and have been catching up on your blogs and have misssssed peeeeeps furrrr suuure. So I will leave you sexxxyy mamacitas with some photos. LOVE TO YOU ALL so happy to be back in action.




Some sorority actionn

Getting excited for more of this sorority/football action!!

My uncle, g-ma, bro and me at a little fam fiesta

Have a GREAT day lovelies!

Happy Bunny Bunnyy Foo Foo Day!

Just thought i would leave yo with a little pic of my bro and besttt friend Jason, this was on a cruiseee on New Years! Any whooo onto the post...


So this shallll be brief but i had a GREAT time at dinner last night with my family. I stepped outside of my box i had a salmon with dinner but i indulged in some cheesey potatoes and a couple bites of cheesecake which may not souund like a lot but it was a big step for me. I had a really good time just hanging out with my family which we dont do enough of. lol when we got home we watched a TON of funny youtube videos lol we are sooo cool!! then this morning i woke up SO early and went for the most peaceful jog then helped momsyy prepare for easter. I dont know what it is guys i guess maybe the weather or my anti depressants are working but i have been feeling GREAT just soo soo happy. I think it also has a lot to do with my brother being around cuzz i lovee the bro! easter is going to be good some fam is coming over to wine and dine and my mom gave me a cutieee little easter basket which i will photog laterrr! have a GREAT easter ladiess i hope the bunny was goooood to ya'll!

Faja's Fiestaaaa!

HAA well tonight is my dads little dinn dinn celebration for his 50th birthday!! He has a huge surprise coming up in a few weeksss but i will recap that when it happens! i am just super excited to go out to dinner tonight (shock anddd awe) buttt it is because my brother is home from school for the weekend so we are all going out as a familyy so it will be nice!! I love my brother he is always fun to hang out with and i dont get to see him as much as i usually do. He keeps me calm at dinner so my anxiety stayss on the downnn low! anyway im off to get ready! have a good weekend/passover/easterr etc. chicass!

Hello, Hellooo

Good morning Bloggette's!
It has been a nice morning becausee it is FINALLY SUNNNYY yahhoo! I went for a nice jog this morning and felt the sunn shining in my face it was glorious! Tuesdays and Thursdays I dont have classes which is incredible except for monday, wednsdays and fridays when i have classes on overload! Soo today I am just going to bumb around and do some homework then i have to workkk boo :-/.... oh welll. I am in a reallyy good mood today, until i have to work. Ohh well i'm off to make a delicious egg white omelet with some serious veggie action and cinnnnamon raison toastyy. Peace out Girl Scouts!

It's Raining It's Pouring...

Me and Daddioo




Me and my Momsss

BOOO the weather is not cooperating. I want to have a little word with mothaa nature because i dont appreciate her antics. I'm feeling a lot less blue today, I woke up early and went for a leisurely jog around my town it was really refreshing. It put my mind at ease. I feel like i obviously used exercise before as an obsessive compulsive coping skill but now i am starting to find it much more relaxing and enjoyable. I am finding the the happy medium between moderate exercise and intense so i can find a healthy place in exercise. I had a little meltdown last night and my mom talked me down and there is something about her really believing that everything will be okay that soothes me and I really believe her. I have been blessed with the most supportive mother ever and i cant believe how lucky i am to have such supportive friends. I think now is the time in my life where i need to realize everything that is GOOD in my life and when i think about it there is a lot, and of course there will always be the bad but the good clearly overpowers the negative. I guess what i'm trying to say is to think more positively because i have so much to offer others and others have given me so much strength and advice and I AM NOT alone and i need to remember that. Have a great day Lovelie's <3<3

Moving In, Moving on

So sorry i havent written in a bit i have been struggling as of late. What's new when i am constantly trying to figure out life. Currently i am just trying to figure out WHAT IS IT THAT I WANT OUT OF LIFE? I just dont know what will make me happy. I have been so depressed lately and have let my weight go in a tail spin, i hate to say it and at the same time Ed loves to say it but i am down to the weight i was when i was admitted my first time into treatment and i just dont know what to do. I honestly dont think i can stomach going back into residential because i just dont think it helps me, it works for like weeks... and then BAM its back. i am at a crossroads and i dont know which direction i will take and what it will take for me to pick the right direction. I wish i could write something profound and positive on here and i wish i was writing how completely fabulous i was doing but that wouldnt be honest and i feel all of you deserve honesty. I need to find myself somehow and figure out the path i want to take in life that will lead me to health and happineess. BLAH i dont know i will be better about commenting on all your blogs have a good night and i will leave you with this quote ...


“Our destiny changes with our thought; we shall become what we wish to become, do what we wish to do, when our habitual thought corresponds with our desire.” Orison Swett Marden

Work it outtt...

wooohh boyy last night was quite hectic. Obviously a Saturday night is bumpin' at a restaurant but your girl here got strapped with a table of 14 and threee other tables. Needless to say i was a tad bit overwhelmed and it tested my anxiety, but somehow my coolerr head prevailed and i made it through and came out with a whoppingg $200 yahoo!! time for a mani/pedi with this mulahhh! Not much exciting has happened in between now and my last post i basically just worked allll last night which is fine because i spent a good chunk of change in South Carolina so it was good to replenish my stashhh of cash :)! I'm going to work again tonight which is fine cuz Sundays arent so hopppin'. Last night one of my co-workers made a comment to me and said "girl you are like WAY too skinny you need to go eat like 100 chicken fingers, NOW!" im not like bragging or anything because this honestly upset me. I am working really hard to gain weight and that insensitive comment really drove me caaarazy! but i just smiled and walked away counting to about 100 so i didnt say something i would regret. haaaa but what can you do. im off to pluck the caterpillars on my face...tmi? maybe but the truth hurts. have a fab sunday!

Carolinaaaa Girls, best in the world.....

Me and my best friend Kris



Me, Jess & Maddie

My bffl's!

Me and my kappa lovelies!

SO it has been quite a loong time since i posted last, and mannnn vaca was INCREDIBLEEEE! I put up some pics from my trip! I was backkk down south with my ladiesss and partying it up. It was so good to see everyone again and it was like i never left because that it how truely fab my friends are. They are the most supportive girls ever. anddd on the even brighter side i got an apartment for next year!! i was going to live with one of my friends but im not 100% sure shes coming back so i got a single right under a bunch of my girlfraaands. but anywhoo down there was great i struggled a bit staying on sched for eating and lost a little weight, but i guess that just happens when you are out of your routine. I had a good time drinking and chilling with my best friends and it just got me excited for next year. It really made me realize what i have to get better for and there is no room for a relapseee because Ed wont make me happy, health will. I realized that when i put myself into incredibly nerve wracking social situations and just Let Go i always have a great time. when i listen to Meagan and not Ed my worlddd is magicall!! Anways i am venturing back into the world of therapy because my anti-depressants havent exactly been cutting it...has anyone found therapy really beneficial?? in the past i havent but im curious if it was just me not investing fully, do any of you ladies get A LOT out of therapy?

have a lovely saturday xoxo

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-check it outttt

Ok, ok soooo it has been a LONGGG time since i have been a good little blogette and posted, but i have been going through some stuff. Long story short i should NEVER weigh myself EVER and i will add another NEVER EVER in there. It through me for a loop and a half and i literally went into sort of a deep depression. I realized i couldnt fit in my jeans and i just broke down, but no fear i reallyyy went to my mom for help instead of hiding just how awful i felt and i am currently doing better and have gotten back on track. Now that is not to say i am totally comfortable with my weight gain, that will take a while, but i am not isolating and im off to good ol' South Carolina tomorrow and see my lovely Kappas!!! I'm so excited so back off Ed and dont rain on my parade! anywhoo i dont have any pics right now because i have been lazy but im writing to let you know i am alivee and somewhat well and i will be back in action posting for you loverrrly ladies. Much love, peace out!

Yumm-o

Currently i'm watching Rachael Ray, hence my title...and i'm getting ready for work blahh. Today I don't have classes sooo on tuesdays and thursdays i always work lunch which isnt bad because i usually end up with like $50 in tips for doing barely any waitinggg. But anyyway i cant really describe how i have been feeling lately. About a week ago i was in a HUGE rut and admittedly i was extremely depressed but i feel like since i have been back on meds the mood is better and i would also hope to contribute it to the fact that i am nourished now and that helps the mood out too. I often get urges to restrict and i have to go back in my head and list out every pro to following my meal plan, and while it takes a while it usually works, which leads me to my dinner last night. I had Grilled Chicken, Garden Salad and wait for it wait for it..PASTA, it is my numero uno fear food and i made quite a large list of pros in my head as to why I should and it and by golly i didnt and i'm still alive to talk about it. I just want anyone else who is reading this and struggling to know that it is possible to get through it, because i feel like i am getting stronger and stronger every time i give myself a little challenge, and i do have my off days but im starting to believe that recovery is possiblee. ok so soorryy for the long post have a gloriousss thursdayyy. love love love


My Dinnerr last night!

Back in Actionnn

Sorry I haven't written in a few days I have been SOO busy with work. I have worked like 4 days straight and wooo are my feet tireddd. Well first I will re-cap today's eats.

Breakfast: Heart 2 Heart w/ banannerr
and Cottage cheese w/ some strawberries

Snack uno: Choco Chip Clif bar and some grapes

Lunch: Hummy, Spinach and Swiss Cheese Sammy on Whole Wheat

Aftahhhnoon Snacky: Fage 2% w/ some strawberry Preserves and a Dark Chocolate Coconut Kashi Bar

Dinnerrr: Salad w/grilled Salmon

and a half a grapefruittt and some Soy Milk deliciousness

Dessert: Micro'd Choco Chip Z Bar w/ Stonyfield Vanilla yogurttt mmm

Anywayy this week/weekend has been insane with work. I think I really need to cut down on shifts. I took this job to keep me occupied while living at home because all my friends are at school and I am kind of stuck here at home. While work has kept me VERY occupied i feel like it may be keeping me a little toooo occupied and it becomes a crutch to use Ed behaviors. I can go to work all day and skip meals and tell myself its okay it just happened by accident. (Ed LIES) sooo i feel like i need to cut down on the amount I am working and focus just a bit more on school even though it is completely unchallenging and BOOORING!! This week however, being back on cymbalta and all has been quite fab because my mood has been lifted. I also feel proud of myself (patsss self on back) because last night my parents had a little dinner party and instead of avoiding and pretending that I already ate i sat down with everyone and enjoyed a really yummy meal of grilled chicken, baked potato and a raspberry walnut spinach salad.VERY good and a plentiful amount of realllyyy nice wine. I enjoyed a NORMAL meal and felt really accomplished to have no guilt after,even though i was unable to induldge in the brownies,but oh well its all baby steps....HAPPY TUESDAY everyone and have a good night

TGI .... Thursday?

Today was one of my better days, NO CLASSES!! yeahh tuesdays and thursdays i dont have class and i have alll my classes Monday, Wednsday and Fridays so it was a good day. I had to work todayy but that was alright. My mood was the best it has been in a while. I think I do my best when I am busy, thats why i think i always do best when i'm at work. Hopefully tomorrow won't be too bad its a hectic day classwise with Psych, Philosophy, Bio, then Bio lab wooo thats a doozy. Anyway onto the good stuffff FOOD!

Breakfast: All bran with a sliced nanner, Strawberry Stonyfield with sliced almonds, Soymilk and sliced strawberriesss

Snack: Choco Chip Clif Bar and Apple sauce

Lunch:PB&J, Sliced Anjou, and salad with balsamic vinigaretteee, and Soy milkk



Snack Dos: Pecan Pie Larabar and Honeycrisp

Dinner:Grilled Salmon, Baked Sweet Potato and Green Beanersss


Wellll Goodnightt All!

Ex's and Oh's ...

So today i once again left for the trek to school in tears, i dont know what it is. I have always loved school but this place is like a dungeon, it's so lonely and i don't know like anyyyone as a commuter and i just feel so far from USC. wellll anyway on the way driving in my hysterics and being distracted i bumpedd a car from behind!!!!!!! ooooopssss i have NEVER gotten into an accident buttt her car was absolutely undamaged and so was minee so that was the start of the day booooooo. bad way to get it started.Then afterr psych and philosophy i went to see the psychiatrist whomm i like BUT she mentioned my weight gain and although she was like "it's so good you are at a higher weight than the last time you left treatment," i took it as omggg now you're fatterrr grosssss! soo needless to sayy i cried and cried and cried and went home and cried some more. I almost listened to the Ed voice and refused lunch BUT then a litttle beep beep beep beep beep (haha like the song) came from my phone and it was my ex boyfriend. While the word "ex"sounds bad we dated for a while in highschool on and off on and off on and off but we have always remained BEST friends like i absolutely tell him everything andd he knew i was having a bad day being body conscious and he said

"when i first met you and when we dated (I was healthy) you had the best body ever and i know its hard for you to see that again but you looked amazingg then and once you realize that you'll feel a lot better. I know its tough but your strong and you can do it, i promise you, will be alot happier."

Now background on him he is SUCH a boy he has four brothers and sometimes he's not so in touch with his emotions so his encouragement jumpstarted me right back on track and even made me tear up.(happy tears this time) We have this relationship where we live far away from eachother now with college but we kinda feel like we will end up with eachother and sooo at the end of our text messages he said "you know one day it will happen with us." That really melted my heart as cheeseyy as it sounds i dont know about the rest of you ladies with Ed but i have some SERIOUS intimacy issues and he leapt over my intimacy boundary and really got to me, he was also plastered able to put a smile on my face for the rest of the day...ohhh boyss boyss boyss

Tuesday Continued

Today has been nice and kind of relaxing. Tuesdays and Thursdays i dont have classes but I always work instead, but today i got the day off. yahoo! I got a lot of stuff done like re-admitting to USC (Woop Woop), getting my charm bracelet fixeddd and getting a new charm (A shamrock for recoveryy), and i FINALLYY got to the bank to deposittt some dollahhh dollahh bills hahaaa. But tomorrow its back to school and honestly every morning before i leave i literally cry because i hate it SO much. its a 1/2 hour commute with tons of traffic, i hate my classes and the teachers see completely uninterested in the material they are teaching and on top of it all i miss my friends like CRAZY! I feel lonely doing this schoool commute and work and the Ed voice gets just a bit louder than i'd like it tooo, but i'm trying my hardest. I finallyyy finallyy meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow onlyy like a month and a half late afterr leaving resiii lol...hopefully we can kick start some meds to help beat down dear old mr. Ed. I just need to start finding things that make me happy and Ed. I workout all the time because it's what Ed wants but somehow i need to find what it is that makes me happy, oh well life is a journey and i guess im along for the ride. good night bloggettes, i hope you havee a great night!<3

Lunch: grilled swiss cheeeserrr with tomatoes and a salad with newmans own garlic balsamic and some soy milkayy

PM Snackker: Cottage Cheese, Special K crackers, and a honeycrisppp


Dinner: Mamaaa's famous roasted tomato pork chop with greenbeans and roasted potatoes.YUMM-O!

peaceeee out

Pikchaaa Time

Breakkkyy: The Usuallll All Bran with a sliced nanner
Stonyfield Blueberry Yogieee with sliced
Almonds, juicyy anjou and ice cold Soy Milk

Snacksterr: Banana, Almond Buttahhh and

A Health Valley Blueberrrryy Bar

A bunch of the Kappa Kappa Gamma lovelies!

Me and Mark pre-KKG function :)



KKG girlsss at Tacky X-Mas Sweater Party! (ooohh is that a beer??)




Me and Madd before football game (GOOO Gamecocks!)


Me and my KKG loveliesss!

Well Jenny inspired me to take a look at my past pics to give myself a little dose of motivation. I'm mostly looking at pics from USC and memories with my friends and sorority sisters. While I was mid-eating disorder in these pictures it shows me what state of health I was in and how I don't EVER want to go back to that; but most of all these pics show the really good times i had at school and how I need to remain on the track of recovery and getting healthy so that i can go back to South Carolina and realllyyyy realllyy live life to the fullesttt and have somee fun (what a smack in the face to Ed). YAY! enjoyyy the walk down memory lane!! :)

Monday Madness

Soooo sorry I haven't kept up with the postdizzzzles but I have been swamped with work and school. To be honest I have been feeling really blahh lately. I have been following my meal plan but my mood has just been really, i dont have words to describe it, just blahh. I feel like there is nothing exciting going on and i feel like i am just at a standstill. I HATE HATE HATE school, i miss USC SOSOSO much and i feel obsessive over exercising lately. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that since leaving residential i have been off my meds b/c my psychiatrist doesnt have an appointment until March...BUT on a positive note i got a call today that there is a cancellation monday morning so i am finally going and i have an excuse to skip philosophy YAY! I feel like this week being NEDAW weeek and all i need to start challenging myself with new foods and recipes...any suggestions? I need to spice up my dull life..oh yeah and if someone just happens to know a nice tall dark and handsome boy to send me that would be cool toooo. haaa jk but as a sidenote my ex boyfriend (who is really caring and understanding) keeps texting me and he is coming home next weekend but it SO weird because he has a g/f and it makes me feel really gross that im being treated like the other girl so i have NO intention of seeing him. GIRL POWERRRR had to throw a little spice girl throwback in there. But anywayy the exciting part of my week was seeing some old friends who came into my work tonight that was cute so the end of my long daunting work night was happy...anyway onto the good stuff .... the FOOOOD! i'm a space cadet and forgot to charge the camera so im gunna google some delicious pics so that ya'lllll get the idea of the deliciousness i consumed today.

Breakfast: The usualll ALL BRAN (shout out to Lexi) w/ banannnnner, o'soy yogurt, soy milk, and a lucious anjouuu YUMMMY ohh and obvi a HUGE cup of JAVA

Snackstar: wheat thins, swiss cheesummss and apple sauce

Lunch: Good ol' fashion PB&J with honeyycrisp slices and soy milk...

Snackyy 2: Clif Z bar (choco chippp) and an orange

Dinner: Turkeyy, baked taterrr with lowfat Sourcream and zucchini

Dessert: cinnamon raisin english muffin with peanut butter with a nannner

off to watch a little Wife Swap (my guiltyy pleasure) and then catching some zZzZZZzzZ's goonight blogging beauties! <3

Superrr Sunday

Ohhh Sundays..usually they are a little depressing because I know I have to go to classes tomorrow at a school that I HATEEE, but today has been relaxing so its all good. Last night was depressing because it was one of my good friends 21st birthday down at USC and all my friends went out drinking and partying and I obviously wasn't there. I have to admit last night was a challenge to follow my meal plan because of how sad I got at the thought of missing out on another monumental night. BUT anywayy i got to thinking that on the positive I was home getting healthy so I can return to USC and be with all my sorority sisters and bestiessss. SO to stop my negative thoughts I ran on the treadmill and had a yummy dinnerrr. Onto today's foodie business. Breakfast was by candlelight..oh how romantic. It was Blueberry Stonyfielddd, All Bran and Bananaaaa and a Pear. Also a yumm-ooo cup of coffee with french vanilla creamer.

Workout Today

45 Minute Jog on the Treadmill

50 Crunches

12 Squat Reps

Have a good Sundayyy ya'll i'm off to get ready for a dinner date with my bfffffl

Hellooo Bloggers!

So this is my first post. I have been wanting to make one of these for a LONG time, and now I have been inpired by Pam and Lexi to take the time out to make one. I guess I hope that this will help me remain accountable for my meal plan and give me a supportive outlet to express how I am feeling. I have been doing okay lately, trucking along following my meal plan but just feeling okay, nothing incredible. I have been going to school close by which to me has been totally unfulfilling. I miss all my friends at USC terribly and the fact that my parents made me stay home this semester has caused me to resent them SO much, which consequently makes me feel guilty because they are only trying to do what is best for me. Work has been less than stellar also. I waitress because it was the only fast paced job I could think of that would take my mind off missing school and my friends. The other waitstaff is really nice but when things get busy and everyone has short tempers and they have no idea how sensative I am and lately I have been taking things a little too personally. I need to just learn to be a little more self assured and confident and not let the little things get under my skin. I don't know if any of you with eating disorders often question yourselves when you are clearly doing nothing wrong, but I think it is one of the most annoying things about ED, I totally second guess myself when I should just chill and realize that I am doing FINE! Anyways on with the fooooood! (I will post pics my next post)

Breakyyyy: All Bran, Soy Milkyyy, Blueberry Stonyfield, and a juiceyyyy PEAR (so crunchyy and delicious)

Snacksterrr: Kashi Dark Chocolate Cherry Bar, 1/2 Cup of LowFat Pineapple Cottage Cheese with a Tbsp. of Strawberry Preserves...delishhh

Lunch: Almond Butter and Red Raspberry Jelly Sandwich with a yummy Garden Salad with Newmans Own Garlic Balsamic Vinigarette Dressing and a Sliced Honeycrisperr Appleee

Snackyy 2: Wheat thins and Roasted Red Pepper Hummus and Carrot Sticks

Dinnerrrr: Tofu Stir fry with Baby Corn, Water Chestnuts, Bell Peppers, Zucchini and Mushrooms with Brown Riceee


Have a greattt Sat. Night I worked all day so i'm catching some zZzZzzZ's earlyy!